


Heart To Heart

by Tennischica12683



Category: Dance Academy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7230610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tennischica12683/pseuds/Tennischica12683
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tara is desperate to know for sure where she stands with Christian and if there is any hope of being with him again. Christian is torn between staying to be with Tara or spending the summer with Raf. Set after the Prix at the end of season 2... What I think should have happened. Let me know what you think! Thanks! *** I DON'T OWN DANCE ACADEMY! ***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tara

The cold night air hit her face like a hard slap as she ran out of the opera house. It was dark, but the lights had come on and she had a good vantage point as her eyes searched the area frantically. Finally, in the distance, she saw him and began running down the steps as she shouted, “Christian! Christian, wait!” When he didn’t stop, she ran faster and shouted louder, “Christian, please stop!” He stopped, but she could tell he was torn between whether he should wait for her or keep walking. He turned hesitantly, as though he was unsure of what he should do. 

“What do you want Tara?” He wasn’t angry exactly, but she could hear the exasperation in his voice. She could feel his eyes on her as she took a moment to catch her breath, trying to think about what she would say so it wouldn’t come out wrong. She didn’t want to make things worse, but after the conversation they had in the dressing room, he owed her an explanation. She had let him walk away so many times before, but not this time. This time, he was going to talk to her. She stared straight into his eyes with determination.

“You know what I want. I want to talk to you. We need to talk for real this time, without any interruptions. How could you just leave like that? We weren’t done with Sammy’s dance! Didn't you even want to see if I had won?” As she spoke these last words, she couldn’t keep the pain out of her voice. Couldn’t he see how much she still loved him? That despite everything that had happened this year, she missed him so much and wanted nothing more than to be with him?

During their conversation before, she had wanted to tell him how she really felt, but she was afraid. That he didn’t feel the same way. That he would reject her again. That he would say something hurtful and make her feel stupid for expecting anything from him anymore. If she waited until she knew how he felt, then she would be able to go on believing that they could be together, that there was a possibility that everything would go back to normal, the way it was supposed to be. But as she had stood in the dressing room holding her breath, waiting for him to say what she was so sure he wanted to say, Abigail had come back and interrupted them, shooing Christian away, causing the moment to be lost. Sure, they had been on better terms towards the end of the year, but it wasn’t the same, not like before. There was still a slight awkwardness between them that wouldn’t go away, and then he and Kat had broken up… and then Sammy had died… and it seemed like all the progress they had made, all the effort it had taken to get back to some semblance of friendship, had evaporated quicker than she could fathom, and they were back to not knowing how to act around each other. 

Standing there now, waiting for him to say something, she suddenly realized how close he was. She could smell him, a scent she couldn't forget if she tried. Natural and clean, it swirled around her and made it hard to concentrate. And his brown eyes were deep and troubled, searching for something he could never find. She could see the hurt behind them, a hurt she knew all too well since Sammy's accident. She wanted to comfort him, hold him, wrap her arms around him and tell him it was going to be okay. But not yet. Not until he explained what was going on. They were all hurting. Losing Sammy had broken all of them, but that didn't mean he could just leave. It didn't mean that he could shut her out without any explanation. No, he was going to talk to her, whether he wanted to or not. She needed to know what he was thinking.

“Please Christian, talk to me. I know we haven't exactly been best friends lately, but I hate to see you in pain. You can't keep it all bottled up, you need to talk about it. I'm here for you, no matter what. You can talk to me.” She stopped because she didn't know what else she could say. So she left it at that and hoped it was enough to get him to open up, to trust her again. Before she knew what she was doing, she reached out, took his hand in hers and squeezed gently. As she looked down to enjoy the sight of something that she had been missing for so long- the feeling of his skin on hers, the steady warmth of his hand- she couldn’t help but smile. After everything that had happened, everything they had been through, it still felt right, natural, perfect.

“So did you?” His sudden question pulled her out of her reverie. She looked up, meeting his intense, penetrating stare. It caught her off-guard. 

“Did I what?” She asked, not sure what his question meant. 

“Did you win?” 

Oh, that's what he meant. The Prix. The finals. She looked down at her watch. Her solo already seemed so long ago that it was hard to wrap her head around the fact that it had barely been an hour since she had broken down on stage in front of the entire audience.

“No, I didn't,” she answered, looking away. Admitting it hurt more than she thought it would. “Grace did.” Even though she had gotten a near perfect score for her Red Shoes variation, her low contemporary score had left the door wide open. 

“I'm sorry,” he said quietly. She could feel him squeeze her hand, his warmth spreading through her whole body, but she couldn't look him in the eye. She could feel the tears coming and she knew if she looked up, she wouldn't be able to hold them in.

“Hey, it's okay. You can cry if you want. I hear keeping things bottled up isn't good.” She could hear the teasing in his voice, could picture the smirk on his face, but she knew he was being sincere. It wouldn’t be the first time she had cried in front of him. It was comforting, and she couldn't help but laugh because he knew her so well. He knew what she was going through, how much the Prix had meant to her, how much she had wanted to win. So she laughed, and then before she could stop herself, she was crying, tears rolling freely down her cheeks. 

“It's so unfair!” She yelled angrily. “I worked so hard all year and Grace barely even tried and she won! She’s the Prix champion and she doesn't even care! She only did it so I wouldn't win! Not because it meant something to her! I went through so much this year between her drama, Saskia breaking my back…” She hesitated, afraid to say more, but knowing she had to... “You breaking up with me. Everything was falling apart! I wanted to tell you about what Saskia had done but you just pushed me away! When I called you about my scan and you agreed to come, I finally thought we were going to work things out between us but you were so cold and distant. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed you, but I was scared and I didn't know what else to do! I didn't know what was going to happen and I was so happy that you were there with me.” 

She took a deep breath in. She knew she was ranting, but she had to get it out, to let him know how she truly felt. Maybe then he would do the same. Not talking, staying silent, was what had gotten them into this mess in the first place and she was sick of it. She couldn't take it anymore. Before he could derail her train of thought, she kept going. 

“You should have told me about Kat and how you felt about her!” She shouted, letting go of his hand. “I deserved to hear the truth from you, not through a walkie-talkie! Do you have any idea what it felt like? After everything we had been through! You broke my heart and pushed me aside as if what we had didn't mean anything! You never came to talk to me, to see if I was okay! You didn't call me after I got expelled! You were the only person I wanted to talk to! No one else! The others called and called, but not you. You abandoned me and left me all alone! It killed me Christian and I've been trying to put myself back together ever since!”

Her words rang out loudly as she finished and she couldn't help feeling proud of herself for finally saying what she had wanted to say all year. She was breathing heavily as she waited for him to respond, to give her some kind of idea of how he felt. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, reaching out to take hold of her hand again. The silence stretched between them and just when she thought he wasn’t going to answer her, he did. 

“Tara, I am so sorry for everything that happened this year.” His voice was filled with pain and regret, making her anger evaporate instantly. She hated seeing him like this. “It all got so out of control. When you told me you had found my dad, I panicked. I was so angry at you for going behind my back. I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to be involved in that part of my life. I didn’t want you to know how broken I was, how much I hated my dad for what he did to my mom. He broke her heart and I didn’t want anything to do with him. I should have talked to you about it, explained why I felt the way I did but you were the only good thing in my life and I didn’t want my past to get in the way of it. I was so ashamed and I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew the truth.” 

He stopped, and Tara knew he had been holding all that in for a very long time. “And what truth is that?” Tara asked, her words full of concern. When he didn’t answer, she said, “Christian, what is it? What are you so afraid of?” Looking into his eyes, she tried to convey to him that he could tell her anything. That nothing he could say would ever be too much for her to handle. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be worse than what had already happened. So he had baggage, who didn’t? No one was perfect. She didn’t understand why he thought so little of himself. When she looked at him, all she saw was someone who could do anything, be anything. The possibilities were endless. And all he saw was someone who had nothing. She had to figure out a way to show him how special he was.

Christian looked down and closed his eyes. Letting go of her hand, he looked up at her and clasped his hands around her shoulders. Then, as if he were fighting a battle within himself, he said, “What if I’m just like my dad? What if, no matter how hard I try, I keep messing it all up? From my mom getting sick, to robbing the server with Aaron, my brother refusing to help me after I got arrested, everything I put you through. Thinking that being with Kat would solve all my problems, using her, hoping that it would make me forget how much I loved you. Sammy… dying,” his voice trembled a little when he mentioned their friend. “I keep letting everyone down. What if I can’t change? I’m sick of hurting the people I care about, losing the people I love.” He paused before adding, “I’m afraid of ending up alone.”


	2. Tara

So that was it. His dad abandoning him, his mom dying, his brother leaving him to fend for himself, her not accepting him for who he was, for unintentionally bringing back all those painful memories. It was too much. How could she have been so thoughtless? Maybe she hadn't known all the details, but she knew his dad was a sore subject and she just plowed ahead anyway, not considering how it would make Christian feel. No wonder he had dumped her for Kat. Kat always knew the perfect thing to say or do. She was so cool and never worried what people thought about her. Tara thought too much. It was all she ever did. It was hard for her to live in the moment and just be happy. There was always something to fix. Or someone. 

Hit with this realization, her breath caught in her throat and the tears started to flow again. Not angry ones like before, but sad ones. It was her fault. He had loved her and she had thrown it all away simply because she couldn't leave well enough alone! If only she could have stopped herself, resisted the urge to control everything and everyone… things might have turned out differently. This time it was her turn to say it. 

“I'm sorry,” she murmured softly. 

“For what?” Christian asked, a look of confusion on his face. 

“For trying to fix you, change you. For seeing you as a project and not as a person. For putting everything ahead of us, not taking the time to be there for you when you needed it… like Kat was. It's all my fault. It was always my fault! If I could have just let it be and enjoyed the time I had with you, maybe we would still be together! I ruined everything!”

“Hey, come here,” Christian said softly, and she immediately melted into him.   
He held her tightly and ran his fingers through her hair as she sobbed quietly into his chest. She wrapped her arms around him, savoring his warmth. When he held her like this, she felt safe, protected from every bad thing that had happened this year. She wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but she didn’t care. She didn’t want to let go and hoped he didn’t either. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Now that she was in his arms, his scent was even more intense than before. It made her think of all the good times: learning to trust each other in pas de deux, kissing on the beach after playing cricket and then again on the ferry, spending the summer with him on the farm, falling in love. It made all the bad times seem so far away, almost as if they didn’t happen.

“Tara, what happened wasn’t your fault. You were only trying to help me. Yeah sure, maybe you went about it in the wrong way, but it came from your heart, like everything you do.” He pulled back, smiling slightly, and moved his hands up to hold her face, wiping away her tears with his thumbs. 

Then his expression became serious and, looking deep into her eyes, he said, “I should have understood that you weren’t doing it to hurt me. I overreacted but by the time I realized that, it was too late. I’m so sorry about Kat. It all happened so fast. One minute she was sitting down and the next thing I knew I was kissing her. When she stopped it, I couldn’t believe what I had done! Part of me wanted to take it back, but the other part, the selfish part, didn’t because it felt good to be that close to someone. I was upset about our fight in the club and I took advantage of the situation. I wanted to tell you, but we were already so on edge, I didn’t want to make it worse. That’s why I broke up with you in the studio and why I snapped at you at the hospital. I felt so guilty and I didn’t know how to act around you.”

She let his words sink in, trying to process everything he said. It was a bit overwhelming. Going from not talking at all to information overload. It made her a little dizzy, but she was glad that he had said it, that he was finally opening up to her. This was just what they needed to get back to the way things were. It gave her hope that he felt the same way she did. She reached up and placed her hands on his arms. His hands still cupped her face and she reveled in their warmth. 

“Thank you for telling me everything. It means a lot to me. If only we had done this sooner.” She laughed nervously and he gave her his trademark smirk. “It’s not your fault either. You can’t blame yourself for all the bad stuff that has happened to you. You weren’t the reason your dad left or why your mom got sick. We don't always understand why things happen the way they do. And Sammy… he wouldn’t want you to be so sad. He wouldn’t blame you for what happened. It was an accident.” The reality of her friend being gone hurt just as much now as it had a week ago. 

“I miss him so much. He was there for me through everything! He called me over and over when I broke my back, to see how I was doing. He convinced me to fight for my spot, to not let Saskia win. He is the reason I’m even here. He wouldn’t let me give up! I keep thinking I’m going to turn around and he’s going to be there. While I was dancing tonight, it felt like he was with me, helping me through it. It still hasn’t sunk in that he’s really gone, that I’ll never see him again.”

“I know,” Christian answered, his voice was strained and low. “I want to think it’s all been a dream and that eventually I’ll wake up. It’ll be the morning of the Prix and nothing bad has even happened… We were supposed to go for a run together. If I had gone with him, maybe things would have turned out differently. I could have helped him! He might still be alive! Instead…” He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t need to. Tara knew why he hadn’t gone with Sammy. He had come to see her. To tell her something. Something that she had been wanting to hear ever since they had broken up.

“Christian, stop it! It’s not your fault!” She repeated, hoping that hearing it again would make him believe it. “You can’t change what happened. And who knows? If you had been with him, maybe you would have been hurt – or worse…”

Her voice trailed off and her eyes widened as she spoke these words. As much as it hurt to know that Sammy was gone, thinking that it could have been Christian hurt more. She felt a twinge of guilt run through her. Even though she loved Sammy, it wasn’t the same as the love she had for Christian. The kind of love that dug deep into her stomach, a good kind of pain that made everything else seem insignificant and meaningless. As though they were the only two people and no one else existed. That was how it had been – on the farm and during the beginning of the year – and living in a world without him, where she was alive and he wasn’t… well, she didn’t want to think about it. It hurt too much. Just trying to imagine it made her heart ache. 

“As painful as losing Sammy has been, being without you would be even harder. Maybe it's wrong to say this, but I'm glad that you're weren't with him. If I had lost you too, I don't know what I would have done! What any of us would have done!” She added the last part because she didn’t want to declare her feelings too soon. She still didn’t know how he felt. Maybe it was silly, but she knew what it was like to be hurt by him, and she wanted to avoid feeling that way again. She could only hope that he wouldn’t pick up on her momentary slip. 

“Any of us, huh?” His eyes narrowed and his grip on her face tightened slightly. She could feel her cheeks reddening and she lowered her eyes, desperately trying to avoid his perceptive stare. Of course he could see right through her. She had never been a very good liar. Her heart pounded in her chest as the heat in her cheeks spread through her body, warming her despite the cold night air. 

“Uh-huh.” Her voice was shaky and she knew he wasn't fooled. She knew he could tell how nervous she was. She was glad he was still holding onto her because if he let go, she might not be able to stand on her own. She could feel her knees trembling, threatening to give way at any moment. She gripped his arms tighter, hoping it would somehow steady her. 

“Tara… what's wrong?”

“N-nothing.” She tried to meet his eyes, but she couldn’t. 

“Liar. I know you. I know when something’s bothering you. This talking thing goes both ways. I had my turn and now it's yours. Please tell me what it is.” His voice was gentle and reassuring. It gave her the courage she needed to open her mouth.

Mustering all the strength she could, she met his questioning stare. “It's just… I want you to know… I want to tell you how I feel but I'm afraid. After we broke up, it was like my world exploded. I know part of it was my fault but it hurt so much and what if you don't feel the same way? What if I tell you everything and it doesn't do any good? I know we had a moment in the dressing room, but I couldn't handle it if that's all it was! It's not enough! Surely, you must know… you have to see that!” 

His eyes widened slightly and she could only hope that he understood what she was trying to tell him. How could he not? She had all but said it! If he knew her so well, why was he acting this way? Why was he making this so difficult? All she wanted was for him to hold her in his arms and kiss her like he used to- like she was the most important person in the world, as if no one else mattered. It had made her feel complete and she needed to feel that way again. He held her stare and she could see the wheels turning in his head, processing everything she had said. Kiss me! Just kiss me Christian! She begged silently. His silence was torture. How long was he going to make her wait? 

And just when she thought he wouldn't, he leaned in slowly, a knowing smirk on his face, and kissed her.


	3. Christian

There it was. What he had been waiting for since he had left her in the dressing room. Why he had sat so long on the steps after walking out of the theater. When he had heard her calling his name, begging him to wait, he knew he had made the right decision. Even though he had met her with a less than cheerful reply, he was relieved that she had chased after him. It gave him hope that she still loved him, still wanted to be with him. It comforted him to think that there was still a chance to make things right. 

The look on her face and the urgency in her voice as she poured her heart out, filled him with an excitement he hadn't felt in a long time. Before he could stop himself, his lips were on hers. He slowly lowered his hands from her face and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. He missed this. Holding her, kissing her like he needed her to breathe. Feeling the softness of her skin against his, a growing warmth spreading quickly through his body. He could feel her heart beating against his chest and it made his heart race faster. It was exhilarating! He didn't want it to end. He wished he could freeze time and stay in this moment with her forever! Not to sound cheesy, but it was true. When he was with her, everything seemed to fall into place. He knew where he belonged, he knew where he wanted to be. 

What a jerk had had been! He had ruined it all, hurt Tara so much, wasted so much time when he could have been with her! Why had he gotten so angry? Why had he let such a small and insignificant thing get in the way of his happiness? How did he think being away from her would have been better? That Kat could have filled the huge hole she had left behind? Looking back, he knew now that he had never felt that way about Kat. Sure he had loved her, still did, but not like this. Never like this. He had wanted to because he knew how much Kat had loved him. But the truth was he had used her, latched on quickly, thinking that being with her would instantly fix everything. That it would somehow help him forget his feelings for Tara. 

Reluctantly, he pulled back, ending their kiss. He watched her as she slowly opened her eyes, and looked up at him, her stare filled with the love that he had hoped she still felt for him. It gave him a sense of acceptance, contentment. Like no matter what, he wasn't alone, which was all he had ever wanted. They stood there in silence. Not the awkward silence that had plagued them for most of the year, but a silence that meant something more. Something special. Like they didn't have to say anything because they knew exactly what the other was thinking. 

“What was that for?” She asked shyly after a few moments.

“Oh, I'm sorry, did you not want me to kiss you? Could’ve fooled me.” He smirked. She had never been a good liar. She wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to kiss her. It was so obvious. The only reason he had waited so long in the first place was because he wanted her to say it. Three words that would change everything. But in the end, she didn't need to. He just knew. 

“Christian! Don't be mean!” She scolded, fighting to keep a straight face. She tried to break free from his grasp, but he held her tight, unwilling to let her go. 

“Where do you think you're going, Training Bra?” He teased, a wide smile spreading across his face. Her cheeks reddened yet again but she seemed resigned to letting him hold her. As if she had a choice. She was strong, but he was stronger. This was the first time in a long time that they had been this close and he wasn't going to waste it. He wasn't going to let her escape so easily. 

She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned in again, anticipating the warmth of her kiss sending shivers down his spine. His lips were just brushing against hers when she pulled back.

“Christian, wait. We need to talk about this.”

“Haven't we done enough talking? I thought this was what you wanted Tara!” He couldn't help feeling annoyed. Hadn't he waited long enough? She made him believe she still loved him, still wanted to be with him! He had kissed her for crying out loud! And she had kissed him back! What else was there to talk about? This was crazy! How he could be angry with her and want to kiss her at the same time? It didn't make any sense! Only she could make him feel so happy one minute and so irritated the next. 

“Of course it is! It's what I've wanted all year! But there's a reason it didn't work out before. We need to talk to each other, to come up with some sort of plan so we don't keep hurting each other!”

He could see the tears in her eyes and he knew she was telling the truth. She wanted this to work just as much as he did. His anger started to fade and he couldn't help feeling a little guilty. He hated seeing her cry. He always had such a short temper. It was always easier to blame other people for his problems than take responsibility for them. And he had blamed Tara for so much when, in reality, it had been all him. He was the reason they had broken up. He was the reason he had been so miserable. Instead of being grateful for having someone who cared so much about him that she would try so hard to help him, he had thrown it all away. As if none of it mattered. 

But it did. It mattered so much. The fact that Tara knew all about his past and the stupid stuff he had done before coming to the academy, and still wanted to be with him, meant more than he could say. 

“When we were together, it was like you became part of me. Like some sort of puzzle piece that I didn't know was missing. I know it sounds silly but I guess that's why I tried so hard to find your dad. You mean so much to me. I thought if you and your dad got to know each other and worked things out, you could be happy and would stop blaming yourself for all of the bad things that had happened to you. I’m sorry I pushed so hard, but it didn’t make sense to me. Why he left, why he gave up a chance to be in your life.”

“Tara, stop!” He knew where this was going and he didn’t want to hear yet again how special he was. He knew that she was going to start singing his praises. She thought too well of him. She always had. She put him on a pedestal, making him out to be better than he was. He didn’t deserve such attention. He didn't deserve to be told over and over again that he was worth it, that he had so much potential, blah blah blah. 

“No Christian I won’t stop! You’re worth knowing! No matter what happened in the past, how much trouble you got into, whatever problems we've had, you need to know that. I am so happy that you’re in my life, that I met you. It might not have all been smooth sailing but I don't regret any of it. You're so special and it breaks my heart that you can't see that. And I wanted your dad to see it too. Let him see all that he had missed out on, all that he could have been a part of. I guess I got a little carried away.”

His head was spinning. Why did she have such faith in him? What had he ever done to earn such support? He couldn't wrap his head around it. After everything he had put her through, all the horrible things he had said and done, she was still here, still defending him, still helping him. He didn't deserve this! She was too good for him, but he had always known that. 

He had never understood why she had chosen him. Him. Over Sammy, over Ethan. Over everyone else. Even though he knew her and Sammy had only ever been friends, he had always been jealous of their closeness, their automatic connection. Effortless and natural. Like they didn't have to try. It just was.

Ethan was a whole different story. He had been jealous of Ethan too, but in a completely different way. Ethan was everything he wasn't. Popular, confident, charming… rich. Easily attracting attention from all the right people. Including Tara. It was easy to see how taken she was by him. Which was silly because she didn't even know him. Granted neither did he, but he had heard things in the locker rooms. The way he'd play with girls’ emotions, string them along, make them believe they were the most important person in the world. Then, out of nowhere, he would end it, leaving the girls heartbroken with some bogus explanation. The “It's not you, it's me” type of thing. He was such a good schmoozer that you didn't see it coming, until it was too late. 

He had wanted to tell Tara, but he was never able to find the right way to say it. He felt guilty for not warning her but he had been in no position to judge. And she had seemed so happy. Besides, if Kat couldn't talk her out of it, then no one could.   
He couldn't help but laugh. She was so stubborn! She wouldn't let anyone tell her what to do! She was stronger than most people gave her credit for. She went after what she wanted, regardless of what the outcome might be. She had never been able to leave well enough alone. She never gave up on anyone. She kept fighting for the people she cared about, no matter what. 

“What's so funny?” She tilted her head to the side. He could see the wheels turning as she tried to figure it out.

“Just you,” he shrugged. It was true. It wasn't hard to find something about her to laugh at. She definitely had a talent for embarrassing herself. 

“Oh really? Well, I'm glad you find me so entertaining.” She replied sarcastically.

“Never a dull moment with you Training Bra! That's one of the things I love about you-”

Before he could continue, she inhaled sharply and her eyes widened.

“What?” He was confused. Surely, she had to know the truth by now!

“Christian… did you just say...” He watched her as she let his words sink in. 

Taking a deep breath in, he took her face in his hands again and looked straight into her eyes, willing her to understand. He didn't want to leave her with any doubt. He needed her to know exactly how he felt.

“Yes I did, Tara. And I mean it. I love you.”


	4. Tara

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't speak. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears. He said it! And she knew he meant it. They had been strangers for so long that even though she wanted him to say it, it still came as a shock. Until recently, their only interactions had been out of necessity, never really being comfortable with each other, never sure what to say or do when the other was around.

He had played it cool, but she wasn't blind. She knew he was sorry for what had happened. She saw it in his eyes, in the way his shoulders would slump ever so slightly when he was around her. She had tried to be mad at him – and she was – but he was going through so much and she couldn't help forgiving him. And if he was happy with Kat, then that was all that mattered. His happiness was all she had ever cared about.

But here he was. He had come back to her. Despite all the drama, never seeing eye to eye on anything, her meddling and his short temper, they were here. Face to face. It made her heart race faster and she couldn't help but smile. He loved her! He loved her and she loved him and all she wanted to do was stay with him forever! To freeze this magic moment and never let him go!

Unable to hold back any longer, she leaned up to kiss him. His lips were warm, meeting hers with an eagerness that overwhelmed every part of her. After waiting so long for this, it was everything she hoped it would be! She loved how he held her, how special he made her feel. And she loved him. More than she thought it was possible to love anyone. She wrapped her arms low around his waist, inching herself closer to him, hoping it would be enough to let him know that she felt the same way he did. She hadn't actually said it like he had, but she wanted to show him. There would be plenty of time for talking later, but now all she wanted was this. 

When they finally pulled back, they were both breathing heavily.

“What was that for?” He asked, repeating her question from earlier in an exaggerated tone. She knew he was teasing her so she decided to play along and tease him right back.

“I'm sorry, did you not want me to kiss you? Could've fooled me,” she replied sarcastically.

"Who’s being mean now Training Bra?”

“Just trying to keep up with you Christian! Don't dish it if you can't take it!”

And with that, she reached up and tickled him under his arms, causing him to let her go. She took advantage of his delayed reaction, running down the empty walkway with her arms in the air, celebrating her victory, laughing loudly as he raced to catch up to her.

“You think you're so clever don't you?” He yelled as he edged closer. “You know Tara, I'm going to catch you and when I do, it's not going to be pretty!” He was trying to sound intimidating, but she knew it was all for show. She could see right through him and knew he was playing the same game she was.

“I'll believe that when I see it!” She shot back playfully, adrenaline coursing through her body. It was exhilarating to feel so alive again after all the sadness of the past week. She was having too much fun to let him win just yet, so she kept running down the sidewalk. 

When she decided he was far enough behind her, she stopped and clung to the railing, giving herself a few moments to catch her breath. As she admired the view of the harbor, the moon reflecting off the water and the lights glowing against the dark night, she couldn't help but think of Sammy. He had been her light in the darkness. When everything had been crashing down around her, he had remained constant. He had given her the courage to believe in herself again, to not give up, to fight for what she wanted. If it wasn't for him, she would probably still be back at the farm, her dream of being a professional dancer dashed for good.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, jolting her back to reality. She jumped and cried out in surprise, only to find Christian behind her. She was so lost in thought, that she hadn't heard him sneak up on her.

“Christian! You scared me!” Panting loudly, her hand clutching her chest.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to. Hey, are you okay?” He asked, reaching down to hold her hand, his voice full of concern. It made her heart melt, spreading goosebumps across her skin.

“Yeah… just thinking…” 

“About?”

“Sammy… how much he would have loved this view. How he always saw the beauty in everything and never worried about any of the bad stuff. How much he loved dancing and his friends. He deserves to be here. Why isn't he here? It doesn't make any sense. What did he do wrong? How is it fair that he's gone? He had so much to offer and now he'll never get the chance to show it. It's not fair!”

She couldn't stop the tears from falling yet again. She stood there as Christian tried to pull her into a hug, but she pulled back, not wanting him to feel sorry for her. She didn't want his pity. She knew he felt the same way about Sammy, but she had already cried so much tonight that she didn't want him to have to clean up her mess.

“Let me go Christian! Leave me alone!” She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and started walking away from the opera house and towards the boarding house. She was so embarrassed! Why was she crying again? Weren't they just having fun? Wasn't she just laughing and teasing him without a care in the world? How had her mood changed so quickly? She wanted him to think she was strong! Not a weak little girl who couldn't control her emotions! Hadn't she cried enough tonight? Between the Red Shoes and being with Christian, hearing him tell her he loved her, she was exhausted. All she wanted to do was go back to her room and sleep. 

“Tara wait!” She could here him shouting out her name. “Stop Tara! Please!” She was struck by a strong sense of déjà vu, except this time, he was the one chasing her. She wanted to be strong enough to ignore him, to keep walking, but she wasn't.   
She couldn't help waiting for him. After all, he had stopped for her and it had made all the difference.

“What do you want Christian?” She couldn't hide her frustration as she spun around to face him. 

“You know what I want,” he replied gently.

“Do I?” She asked, unsure of where he was going with this…

“You should. I thought I made it quite obvious.” He smirked again and pulled her into his arms, holding her closer and tighter than he had before, looking deep into her eyes as if he had some hidden secret he was willing her to understand.

She could feel her eyes widen and her cheeks flush as she realized what he meant. Was he really suggesting what she thought he was? How dare he make such an assumption? They had just started talking again! This thing they had started was brand new! And he just expected her to go along with it? This was crazy! Not that she hadn't thought about it. Of course she had. Especially after the showcase, when he first told her he loved her. How could she not? She wasn't a child. 

“What Tara? Don't tell me you haven't thought about it?” How could he read her mind so easily? Know exactly what she was thinking as if she were saying it out loud?

“Christian… I… that's not the point!” She was trying to stay calm but he wasn’t making it easy. “And since when do you say quite? The whole two years I've known you, I've never heard you say quite before!” She exclaimed, hoping to change the subject quickly. She wanted to go back to the joking and teasing. The way the conversation was going was making her uncomfortable. 

“There's a lot you don't know about me, Training Bra!” He teased, taking the bait. Thank goodness! She was relieved even though she knew she couldn’t avoid the subject forever.

“Oh really? Like what?” She asked doubtfully, wanting to keep him distracted.  
He reached up and pushed her hair behind her shoulder, his hand brushing against her skin. It sent shivers down her spine.

“I hate peas.” He said with mock seriousness.

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief at his ridiculous confession. She definitely hadn't expected him to say that! It made her laugh. He laughed too, like he knew he had said the right thing to lighten her mood. And he had.

“So is that it? Any other weird and obscure things I should know about?” 

“Well I don't know about obscure or weird but there is something else, although you may have heard it before.”

“Yeah? What's that?” Her nerves were getting the better of her, but she fought it because she wanted so desperately to hear what he was going to say. She had a feeling that it was going to be a little more substantial than his vegetable preferences. 

“I love you Tara and I want to be with you.”

Again, her breath caught in her throat. He had said it twice now and she knew he was waiting for her to respond. His sincerity pulled at her heart. She knew now she was ready to say it, and she wanted him to feel secure in the fact that she felt the same way he did. So, taking a deep breath in, she lifted up her hand, placing it gently on his cheek and prepared herself to say what she had wanted to say for so long.

“I know Christian. I love you too.”


	5. Christian

He could feel the burning in his cheek where her hand was. He could feel his heart pounding loudly in his ears as she looked up at him, her green eyes bright and sincere. She had said it! She had said she loved him! Not that he didn’t already know. She wasn't very good at hiding her emotions. It was written all over her face. Still, it felt good to hear. 

Listening to her talk about Sammy, about how much he had helped and supported her when she had gotten expelled, made his heart ache. Sammy had really been there for her, unlike him. He had left her all alone! She had broken her back and all he had cared about was his hurt feelings! His pride had gotten in the way and by the time he realized what an idiot he had been, it was too late. 

All he wanted to do now was pull her into his arms and never let her go. He wanted to wipe away her tears and tell her everything was going to be okay. She made him feel so special and he wanted to do the same for her. He wanted her to know, not just that he loved her, but how much. She had tried so hard to make him happy and he had acted like she meant nothing! He knew he had to find some way to make it up to her. 

He wrapped his arms around her and held her. Not in a playful way like he had before, but in a way he hoped would show her how sorry he was for the way he had treated her. That he wouldn't let her down again, that he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. He couldn't help feeling relieved when she leaned in against him, resting her head on his shoulder. He could hear her breathing, slow and deep. Closing his eyes, he breathed her in, savoring her closeness. He let his mind wander to the day when he first knew he loved her. 

It was on the farm, during the summer he had spent with her. It was Christmas Day and they decided to go swimming with a group of her cousins. It was a long walk but there were too many of them to take the ATVs so they had no other choice. Her cousins were walking ahead of them but they didn't mind. They walked slowly, holding hands, with her showing him parts of the farm along the way. The first tree she ever climbed, the hill she used to roll down as a kid, and the barn with the hay bales she jumped off of when she had broken her wrist. They were laughing and joking when all of a sudden, they heard screams up ahead. They ran to where her cousins were. When they got there, Kate was hysterical and Colin was kneeling at the side of the path, carefully looking over the edge. The other three didn't seem to know how to react. 

“What happened? Where's Charlie?” Tara asked nervously. Charlie was the youngest and he knew how close they were. 

“He fell over the edge!” Kate shouted. She was a mess, tears falling uncontrollably. 

“Calm down Kate, don't be so dramatic!” Tara crooned, rolling her eyes a little. Then she went over to Darcy, Ben and Alec and asked what happened. Before they could answer, Colin did instead.

“We told him to stay away from the edge! That it wasn't safe but he wouldn't listen. And then he fell!” 

Tara knelt beside Colin and slowly looked over the side. He had walked up behind them, unsure of what to do. She must have heard him because she turned around and told him to look after the others. Being from the city, I guess they weren't used to things like this happening and didn't know how to deal with it. He didn't either, but he did what she asked, trying to comfort Kate the best he could. 

Then, all of a sudden, she swung her legs over the edge and disappeared. This time it was his turn to freak out.

“Tara!” He cried out, not caring that his voice cracked a little. He couldn't believe she had just done that! Was she insane? What if she hurt herself? “Are you okay? Do you need help?”

“I'm fine! Stay where you are!” 

He couldn't help leaving the others and going to kneel beside Colin. He leaned over and he could see that the drop wasn't as far as he thought. Still, it was steep but Tara had made it down without a problem. She was walking over to Charlie, who was lying on the ground unconscious. His legs were scraped and he had a cut on his forehead. 

“Charlie? Charlie, can you hear me?” She said loudly but calmly, kneeling by his side. No response. “Charlie! Wake up! Open your eyes!” Again nothing. He could hear Colin breathing heavily beside him. He looked over to him and he could tell he wanted to go down there and help, but he was too afraid. He wasn't crying like Kate but his whole body was shaking. 

“Hey, calm down. Tara knows what she's doing. It's going to be okay. Charlie is going to be okay,” he said, trying to reassure him. Colin turned towards him and took a deep breath. Then he nodded his head and turned back to keep an eye on what was happening below. 

“He's breathing! Charlie wake up! Can you hear me? Oh thank goodness! He's awake! Colin, get my phone in my bag and call the house! Tell Dad what happened and where we are! And tell him to bring the truck! He'll know what else to bring! Hurry! Christian can you come down? Bring a few towels! I need your help splinting his leg! It looks like it's broken! Be careful!”

They got up quickly and did as they were told. He made sure Colin found the phone and the others were okay before he carefully scaled down the ledge with the towels. When he reached the bottom, she was breaking branches off a tree and went to hold them against Charlie's leg. He couldn't help but stare. The shy and timid Tara was gone. The Tara in front of him was inspiring and he was in awe.

“Don't just stand there Christian! Bring those towels over here and help me! Don't move, Charlie. Okay Christian, give me the towels and then hold the branches on either side of his leg. Good. Now lift his leg gently. Okay, I'm going to tie the towels around his leg. Try and stay still Charlie. This may hurt a little but you're going to be okay. Uncle Neil is on his way.” He set Charlie's leg down and she tied the towels around it, then knelt down in front of Charlie. 

"Okay now put his leg on my lap. We need to keep it elevated. Cover him with the last towel. We don't want him to go into shock." He did what he was told yet again. "How do you feel Charlie? Can you wiggle you fingers and toes?"

 

"Yeah." Charlie did what she asked and I felt a wave of relief rush through me. "I want my mommy!"

“I know Charlie, just a little bit longer. Look up at the sky. Take deep breaths and close your eyes. Now imagine you're up there, flying through the air! Tell me what you see.”

“The farm, the hills, the dam. We're swimming and splashing each other.” He giggled. “You and Christian are kissing!”

“Charlie! Don't be smart! Focus on the sky!” Her cheeks turned bright red as she scolded her cousin, a goofy grin on her face. She looked up at him and he met her gaze with his trademark smirk.

About half an hour later, they heard a truck pulling up. Tara's dad jumped out and made his way over to them with a first-aid kit, water and a blanket. Charlie's dad was close behind. They stopped short as if they couldn't believe what they were seeing. He knew the feeling. They got over their shock quickly, then took over, transferring Charlie to the blanket, then to the back of the truck. Then Neil came over and hugged Tara and reached over to put a hand on his shoulder. They had done good.

Now free of her patient, she walked over to the ledge and shouted up. “Charlie's okay! Dad and Uncle Mike are taking us back in the truck! We'll meet you at the house!” 

They jumped in the back with Charlie and he let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.

The rest of their holiday had passed by with much less craziness than those first few days. Nothing could compare to watching Tara in action. Out of all the amazing moments they had spent together- swimming in the afternoons, taking long walks after dinner, watching the sunset, realizing they still wanted to be together- it was the day Charlie had broken his leg that had meant the most. There were so many to choose from and yet, he kept coming back to this one. Caring for her cousin, taking charge of a situation that easily could have gotten out of control, staying calm when everyone else was panicking; it made him realize how amazing she was and that he wanted to be like her. Strong and brave, kind and caring. She made him want to be better. Someone who thought about others more than himself. If only he had been worthy enough to deserve her.

“Christian? What are you thinking about?” Her gentle voice brought him back to the present.

He kissed her forehead before answering. “The farm. The day Charlie broke his leg.”

“Really? Why that day? Wasn’t there anything more important that happened last summer?” She asked, pulling back to look up at him, a little offended.

“Yeah? Like what?” He couldn't stop himself from teasing her yet again. She really did make it too easy.

“You think you're so smart don't you?” She scoffed and she lightly slapped his chest. 

“Just trying to keep up with you Training Bra!” He joked, again using one of her lines from before.

“Haha, very funny! But seriously, why was that day so special?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“Because it was the first time I knew I loved you,” he stated in a very obvious tone. 

She inhaled sharply, her eyes wide and asked, “Really? Why?” She really didn't get it. Why couldn't she see how brilliant she had been that day? That without her, things could have been a lot worse.

“Because you were incredible! Because everyone else, including me, was in a panic! Kate was a disaster, Colin was scared to death and the others had no idea what to do! You took control of the situation. You kept Charlie calm, distracted him from everything that was going on! You knew exactly what to do. If it wasn't for you, who knows what would have happened. You were inspiring! Even your dad was impressed! You saved the day-”

Before he could say anything else, he was interrupted by her lips on his. He could feel her wrapping her arms around him and he did the same. He loved being this close to her. He couldn't get enough! He continued to kiss her greedily and she met him with the same enthusiasm. He didn't want it to end so he would let her decide when to stop.

All too soon, she did. She stared at him in a way that made him a little nervous. Like she was trying to figure out all his secrets. To see if he really was telling the truth.

“You make it sound so much more exciting than it was. I did what needed to be done,” she said matter-of-factly. “My cousins aren't really all that farm-savvy. Growing up in the city hasn't exactly given them any wilderness skills. They know the farm to a certain degree because they visit every year, but something like that… I guess it was too far out of their comfort zone. They aren't very good at thinking fast and on the farm, sometimes that's all you can do. So, that's really when you knew? Why didn't you tell me?”

“Why didn't you tell me when you first knew you loved me? You were trying to tell me all week before the showcase and you kept chickening out. Don't think I didn't notice! You said you loved my sneakers! That's how I knew you were hiding something and I figured that's what it was. You're a terrible liar.” He smirked, then brushed a strand of hair off her face.

“Well, I didn't want to freak you out! Things were so good between us! We were happy and I didn't want to ruin it by saying something stupid!” She shouted defensively.

“Well that makes two of us Training Bra! You're not the only one who can do that. I am quite good at saying stupid things.”

“There's that word again. Quite. Twice in one night. I must say I'm impressed,”she teased, stifling a yawn. It was getting late and she looked exhausted. He should probably walk her back to the dorm.

“Hey, you look beat. Let's get you to bed.” He took her hand and started walking.

“Christian, I have to go back! I don't have my stuff and Kat's waiting for me!”

“I have my phone. I'll text her and let her know where we're heading and ask her to get your stuff.”

“I think you may be overestimating Kat's generosity.” She sounded doubtful but she seemed eager to not have to walk all the way back to the opera house. 

“We'll see about that,” knowing he was going to win this one. He texted Kat and when he got the reply he knew he would, he triumphantly showed Tara, laughing as she rolled her eyes in surrender. Then he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and they began to walk back to the boarding house.


	6. Tara

She leaned into him as they walked in companionable silence back to the dorm. It felt nice to have his arm around her, his body shielding her from the cool night air. She had so many questions but she didn't want to break the silence. She didn't want to burst the magic bubble they had created. 

She couldn't believe that watching her splint Charlie's leg was what had made him fall head over heels! She didn't even remember much of what had happened! It was a blur. One minute she was laughing and joking with Christian and the next she was scaling down the side of the ledge. Almost as if she wasn't in control of her own body. She had gone into rescue mode. Charlie was all that had mattered. He was easily her favorite cousin and if anything had happened to him, she would never have forgiven herself. Like she had told Christian, she did what needed to be done.

Besides, so much had happened last summer! Things that should be more memorable than breaking branches off a tree! They had gotten back together after all! They hadn't made it official until the last week of the summer, but until then it had been understood. They had been so comfortable with each other that it was easy to fall back into the hand-holding and the closeness that followed. It felt so natural, like they had never been apart. 

The farm had a way of doing that. Putting you at ease, making you forget all the problems in your life. It was like, once you passed through the gate, a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders. You weren't in the real world anymore, but somewhere else. Almost like a dreamland. Nothing bad could happen, you were safe and secure, protected. She felt it every time she came home, and she could tell Christian had felt it too. She could see how different he was. How he talked and laughed way more than when they were at school. How he carried himself, like he didn't have a care in the world. He was free. 

Remembering how he had been on the farm, she smiled and wrapped her arm around his back. She breathed in deeply and wished they were there right now. On that same hill where they had danced on the last day of their holiday. It had been perfect. She could almost smell the grass and feel the sun on her face, remembering how much she loved dancing with him, how much she loved him.

So much had happened since then. Their break-up, her injury, fighting with Kat, Grace and all her games, Sammy's accident. It was hard to wrap her head around it. She was only seventeen but she felt so much older! Like she had lived ten lives already! Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she would have experienced all that she had since coming to the academy! She couldn’t believe the year was over. She had thought it would never end, but looking back now, she realized how quickly it had gone. Granted, she had spent almost two months away because of her injury and expulsion. 

Thinking about that part of the year was still hard for her. Being told she couldn’t dance, exiled from the place where she finally felt like she belonged. That was why, when she got home, she had closed herself off from everyone. 

It was the only time that the farm hadn’t been a safe haven for her. In that moment, all it felt like was a cage, keeping her from following her dream, shutting her out from the rest of the world instead of sheltering her from it. Being there was a constant reminder of all that she had lost, how far she had fallen. So she had shut down because feeling empty, feeling nothing was easier than feeling the pain – of missing her friends, missing Christian. She had felt so betrayed by him and Kat. She didn’t hate them, but she didn’t want to talk to them either. Well, she had wanted to talk to Christian, but he never called. She wanted him to so much, but he had stayed silent, making it that much harder to deal with everything that was going on. If only he had called, if only he had talked to her, then maybe it would all have been easier to bear.

When she finally did come back to the academy, it was as if the world had shifted. It felt good to be able to dance again, but it wasn’t the same. Walking through the hallways didn’t give her the same sense of security it had before. It was like she was starting all over again, a timid first year, with no real life experience. She felt as though she was walking on eggshells around everyone, especially Kat and Christian, and they were doing the same. 

She knew it had been childish not to confront them and talking things out but they hadn't talked to her. Well, Kat had tried but she really didn't want to hear it. She was afraid to hear what her friend had to say because it would only remind her of what had happened. That Christian had chosen Kat over her, that he didn't love her anymore, that it was over. She wasn't ready for that. She had still loved him so much and knowing he wanted to be with someone else, especially her best friend, hurt more than she had wanted to admit.

How could he just push her aside so easily? She knew he hadn’t meant to hurt her but it still hurt! She wanted him to be happy but she was still heartbroken! But what could she do? Keep bothering him until he had no other choice than to talk to her? She hadn’t been brave enough to do that. She was still adjusting, getting back into the swing of things. People were already talking about her controversial return and she didn’t want any extra attention.

It was hard to forget the loneliness she felt during those first couple of weeks. Even though she had Grace and Sammy, it was not having Kat that made it so hard. Seeing her but not having the courage to be around her. Not having the strength to swallow her pride and actually listen to what Kat had to say. She had been so hurt that she thought blaming Kat would give her some sort of comfort, a way of knowing that she was right, justified in believing that she was the victim. She hadn't thought about how ending their friendship would make Kat feel. She had only been thinking of herself. When she finally did reconcile with Kat, she was so happy. She couldn’t believe it had taken something as silly as a trapeze ride to make her realize that their friendship was more important than fighting over a boy. 

The same boy who just happened to be walking right next to her now. What was that saying about letting someone go? That if it was meant to be, that person would come back to you. Well here he was. And he had told her he loved her. And he had kissed her. And she had kissed him. And she told him she loved him. But what was next? Where did they go from here? By some twist of fate, they had been given a second chance. To start over, to make things right. But what did that mean? What was it going to take? Sure they had cleared the air a little, gotten some things out in the open. She felt a lot better than before. But it wasn’t enough. She needed more. Full disclosure. 

The questions from before were still buzzing around in her head. As much as she tried to push them aside, they wouldn't budge. She had to know what he had meant before. She had a pretty good idea, and was glad when he had played along, but she needed to know for sure. They had been apart for so long that even if they were together now, they were basically starting from scratch. They were such different people than they had been at the beginning of the year. So much had changed. Maybe at some point they could think about more, but they needed to be friends again first. They were getting there, but they still had a very long way to go.

Bracing herself for impact, she stopped walking. He stopped too and looked at her curiously. Clenching her fists nervously, she whispered, “What did you mean earlier?”

“About what?”

“About… you know…”

“I do?” He narrowed his eyes and for once she couldn’t tell if he was teasing or being serious. 

He had to know what she meant! Was he really going to make her say it? Just the thought of saying it out loud made her cheeks flush and her heart race! It was so hard for her to talk about because it was something she knew nothing about. She knew he did, that he had been with girls in the past, which only made it more embarrassing. She tried to gather her thoughts, to decide how to word it. It was going to be painful no matter how she said it. 

“What did you want before that was quite obvious?”

A look of realization flashed across his face. “Oh that… look Tara, we don't have to talk about that now-”

“Why not? We're talking about everything else! Besides you started it! And now I can't get it out of my head! It's all I can think about!”

“Really? Why?”

“Why do you think? This is the closest we've been in such a long time! I can't help it.”

“Does that mean-” he raised his eyebrows hopefully.

“I don't know what it means! My head is spinning! Tonight has been wonderful and I'm so happy that I'm here with you but… after the crazy year we’ve had, I'm not ready. We're not ready! I love you Christian and I want to be with you, but so much has happened. We've changed so much. We have to get to know each other again. I'm sorry but it's true. Are you angry?” 

She held her breath as she waited for his response. She wouldn't blame him if he was angry but she hoped he wasn't. She needed him to understand where she was coming from. They had both been hurt and needed time to heal. Plus, Kat had just broken up with him and she was technically still with Ben. 

Oh no Ben! What was she going to tell Ben? Surely he knew by now that she was with Christian. Kat must have told him that they were together. What was Ben going to say? Even though she didn't feel the same way for him as she did for Christian, she still cared about him. Just because she didn't want to be with him didn't mean she wanted to hurt him. He had been so good to her after she had broken up with Christian and when she came back to the academy. They became such good friends. He had been so sweet that she couldn’t help falling for him. She needed him so much this year and he had been there for her. He had filled the emptiness that Christian had left behind. She had been in such a dark place and just like Sammy, he had pulled her back into the light. He made her so happy and she had wanted his positivity to rub off on her somehow. 

When he had surprised her with the ice rink, she decided to give him a second chance. Even though he had used her during the Prix, even though he never seemed to say or do the right thing at the right time. He didn’t deserve to be pushed aside. 

And she had tried. To forget about Christian, to forget how much she loved him. She had tried to focus all her attention on Ben, to make him feel as special as he had made her feel. She tried to move on, to tell herself that it was for the best. Ben was good for her, they were good together. She was a better person for knowing him. But it wasn’t enough. She could feel it, even before Kat and Christian had broken up, even before Sammy had died. As much as she wanted to make things work with Ben, she knew being with him would never to compare to when she was with Christian.

And now that she knew how Christian felt, what other choice did she have? Ben would always be special to her. She would always be grateful to him for all he had done for her. He had saved her, brought her back from the abyss. They had so much fun together and his friendship would always mean so much to her. She would never forget all the good times they had. 

But no matter how much she tried to deny it, it would always be Christian. Tonight was proof of that. If it wasn't meant to be, they wouldn’t be here. He would be with Kat, she would be with Ben and they wouldn’t be walking back to the boarding house together. She wouldn’t have chased after him, he wouldn’t have waited for her and they wouldn’t be entertaining thoughts of what could happen tonight.

“Of course I’m not angry! Why would you think that?” he asked, holding her hands in his. The gentleness in his voice calmed and reassured her. “I just want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. After everything we've been through this year, I get it. I don't want to force anything. We’ll take it slow. All I want is to be with you.” 

Relief coursed through her and she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. He really meant it! “That's all I want too. I missed you so much. I never thought we would get a second chance but I'm so glad we did. It's just so overwhelming… It's not that I don't want to-”

“Tara, it’s okay. I told you we don't have to talk about this right now,” he said again. She could tell he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, but she knew she couldn’t avoid it any longer. She didn’t want to. She was ready to lay everything out, leave nothing to the imagination.

“Yes we do! I want to be completely honest with you. We can't be together and not talk to each other. It won't work. And I want this to work. It's all I've dreamed about since we broke up! Losing you hurt so much and I don’t think I could go through that again!”

He reached up to hold her face in his hands. “I’m so sorry Tara. For hurting you, for letting you down. I know I don’t deserve a second chance. I know that there were times when I should have been there for you and I wasn’t. But I’m here now. I screwed up so much this year, but I am going to do whatever I can to make it up to you. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you. I won’t leave you again.”

His hands were warm on her face and his words gave her hope. They were going to be okay, everything was going to work out between them. They were going to be together. Not knowing what to say or how to say it, she simply smiled and leaned in to kiss him, knowing that it would be enough.


	7. Christian

When she kissed him, it all came flooding back. The first time he saw her, the first time he held her hand in pas de deux, Patrick’s trust exercise, dancing in the park the night he had rescued her from the club and the conversation that followed.   
Listening to her talk about the farm, the way she described it, it had been easy to imagine. Living in the middle of nowhere, being somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. But instead of feeling lost or alone, you were exactly where you wanted to be. It had made him want to see it for himself. To be in a place where he didn’t have to worry about his past getting in the way.

And of course, their first kiss. There was no way he would ever forget that. It was one of the most incredible moments of his life! Lying in the sand, waiting for her to make the next move. The anticipation had been brutal but when she finally leaned towards him and their lips met, it was like nothing else he had ever experienced. He had kissed plenty of girls in the past but none of them had even come close to her. 

She had taken him by surprise. A farm girl who was too smart for her own good. Who saw right through his cool, calm and collected exterior. Who knew what was really going on. He had been so jaded, so worn down from all the crap that he had been through! Not knowing his dad, hating him for leaving, for breaking his mom’s heart. Feeling so helpless when she got sick, not being able to save her. She saw it all. His guilt, his pain. The walls he put up to hide how much losing his mom had hurt. She could see how broken he was and she had tried to fix him. Not because she thought he wasn't good enough but because she wanted to help, she wanted to make him better.

And all he had done was tear her apart. He had made her feel like she was nothing. As if what they had never mattered at all. Like he could just turn off his emotions and everything would be fine. Only it wasn't fine. It was miserable. He was miserable. 

That's why he had waited on the steps. Why he told her that he still loved her and that he wouldn’t leave her again. He knew he had said those words before – that he would always be there for her, that nothing would get in between them. But it had. So much had gotten in the way! He wasn’t quite sure why she was giving him another chance. He definitely didn’t deserve it. He had hurt her so many times before! But this time would be different. This time, he meant it. Nothing was getting in the way. He wouldn’t let it. 

Right on cue, his phone buzzed. He ignored it. Tara was way more important. He needed to be close to her right now. To reassure himself that this was really happening. That they were together. Maybe they weren't ready for the next step but that was okay. He just got her back and he didn't want to lose her again, to make her feel pressured into doing something she wasn't comfortable with. Besides, kissing her was enough. 

His phone buzzed again. He was getting annoyed. Why wouldn't everyone leave him alone? He just wanted to be with Tara! She must have heard it because she pulled back and asked, “Aren't you going to get that?” Raising her eyebrows slightly.

“Are you sure?” He couldn't help feeling a little disappointed.

“It's okay, I'm not going anywhere,” she smiled reassuringly. She was enjoying this as much as he was.

“Um, okay…” He reached down into his pocket and looked at the screen quickly. He sighed and pushed the button to answer the   
call. 

“What's up Raf? This really isn't a good time.” What did he want now? 

“Oh sorry… Ummm, well I just wanted to know if you had made up your mind about the Tazzy trip yet. I'm getting everything together and I need to know what to bring, you know, supply-wise. So what do you think?” 

Damn! He had forgotten all about that! What was he going to do? He had wanted to go, to get away from the mess of breaking up with Kat, wrestling over his feelings for Tara, losing Sammy. It would have been an escape, a way to clear his head and not have to deal with the real world for a while. But now it felt more like a trap. He had just told her he wouldn’t leave her and going on this trip would definitely break that promise.

“Uh, well, I'm still not sure. I need more time to think about it. I might want to stay in Sydney and take a class or two. You know, get a head start on next year.”

“Oh right. Yeah, that's cool. No worries. Just, uh… let me know when you decide.”

“I will. Bye Raf.” Not waiting for him to say goodbye, he quickly hung up and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. 

“What did Raf want?” She asked, eyeing him curiously.

“Nothing,” he replied, trying to brush off her question.

“Really? Didn't sound like nothing.” She didn’t miss a thing. Why did she have to be so perceptive?

“Well it was so can you drop it!” He snapped, regretting his words as soon as they came out of his mouth. 

“Okay sure, sorry.” 

“Tara…” 

He saw the hurt in her eyes before she turned and walked across the street, sitting down on one of the benches. He had done it again. Taken all of his anger and frustration out on her. Pushed her away. Made her feel small and unimportant. He hadn't meant to. He was just freaking out! He didn't know how to tell her about the trip. He didn't want her to think he was going to just abandon her after he told her he wouldn't. That they had gotten back together only to have him leave.

He followed her and sat down next to her. She didn't look up at him, continuing to stare at her hands. She wasn't crying but he could see the sadness on her face. She was fighting it. He hated making her cry. 

“I’m sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you.”

“Then why did you?”

“I don’t know. It's just…” There was no easy way to say it so he took a deep breath in and prayed she wouldn’t be too upset. 

“Raf asked me to go on a trip with him over the summer.”

“Really? When?” She lifted her head and smiled, his harsh words supposedly forgotten. 

“Right after Sammy died. I wanted to go before, to get away, but now…” He reached over and placed his hand on top of hers. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“Christian that's great! Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t you want to go? Don’t you want to spend time with him? Get to know him better?” Her enthusiasm hurt a little. He had thought she would be upset and instead she was practically pushing him out the door!

“Well, I guess but… what about us? Are you trying to get rid of me already?” 

“Of course not! We're going to be fine Christian.” She smiled and squeezed his hand tenderly. “We have plenty of time to be together. This is something that you need to do. He's your dad! You shouldn’t ignore him! He's reaching out. He wouldn't be asking you to go with him if he didn't want you there.”

“Really? You don't think he just feels guilty?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe a little. But if that's all it was, he would take you to lunch or something-”

“Lunch?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

She slapped his arm playfully. “You know what I mean! He wouldn't be making such an effort! This trip is a big deal to him. He's obviously trying to impress you. I know he's made mistakes. I know he hurt you but he's here now. Doesn't he deserve a second chance? Maybe you won't be best friends after, but there's a chance that you'll be able to have some sort of relationship with him. It's better to know for sure than always be wondering what if! Even if this trip just helps clear the air. It would still be worth it.”

He knew she was right. He knew he needed to do this. He could feel it. But Tara… he didn't want to spend the whole summer away from her. He wanted to be with her! To go back to the farm and just be normal for a change.

“When did you get so good at giving advice Training Bra?” He smirked.

“Hey, I have my moments!” 

“Are you sure? Because I don’t have to. I can tell Raf no and we can be together, just like last summer.” 

“Yeah, I am. I want nothing more than to be with you this summer, but your dad is more important. We've taken care of us, and now you have to take care of him. Find closure or whatever you need to do. I want you to be happy.”

“I'm happy when I'm with you. What will you do all summer without me?”

“I'll figure something out. And you could always visit… maybe after your trip? You could stay until school starts and come back   
with us.”  
“Us?” Surely she didn't mean Ben!

“Kat's going to stay for the summer. She decided not to go to Barcelona after all. Jealous?” He breathed a sigh of relief. 

“You wish! Just don't go showing her any of our secret spots! Those stay between us!” He teased, pointing his finger at her.

“You mean there’s more than one?” She batted her eyes innocently and shrugged her shoulders.

“You're hilarious!”

“I try… I’m going to miss you.” She smiled and he reached over and hugged her tight.

“I’m going to miss you too. But we’re not there yet. Raf’s not planning to leave for another week or so. Could you stay here until then? We could spend some time together.”

“Take a class or two?” She teased as she pulled back from his arms.

“I only said that to buy some more time! I wasn’t ready to give him an answer.”

“And now?”

“Still not ready, but I know I should. You’re right. We need to work out our issues.”

“I’m sorry, can you say that again? I didn’t hear you,” she said dramatically, cupping her hand behind her ear. 

“Haha… You were right, okay? Happy now?”

“Very.” She yawned and leaned her head against his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her.  
After sitting there for a few more minutes, her head started to feel heavy and he knew she was falling asleep. “Okay let’s get you to bed before I have to carry you.”

“It’s ok, I’m fine.” She lifted her head, trying to stay awake.

“Nope, not buying it. Let’s go.” He stood up and held out his hand. She took it and they walked up through the park. As they passed under the bridge, he couldn’t help but think of when they had danced here during first year. Even though he had liked her then, he never would have imagined that he would fall in love with her! She was the exact opposite of everything he thought he would want. But now he couldn’t imagine his life without her. It was like what she had said earlier. A puzzle piece. An empty space. Something he didn't know he was missing. When they got to the spot where they had danced last year, he stopped. 

Looking down at her, he asked, “Do you remember this place?”

“Of course I do! We came here the night you rescued me at the club! We raced from the street-”

“And I beat you even though you cheated!”

“Yeah yeah… And then we danced…” Her voice trailed off. 

“Still there Training Bra?” He smirked and waved his hand in front of her face. 

“Yeah. Just remembering. I was so annoyed at Kat! She had dragged me out with her jerk of a boyfriend and then left me waiting outside all night! I didn’t even want to be there in the first place. When I saw you walking up the steps, I was so happy! Something was finally going right! And when we danced, it was like the rest of the world faded away. It was perfect. It made all my frustration disappear. It was exactly what I needed… And then you tried to kiss me! Do you remember that?”

“How could I forget? It was all I could think about that night! Walking so close to you, fighting the urge to reach out and hold your hand. You were lucky I waited that long to make a move. Not that it did any good. You shot me down pretty fast!”

“Well what did you expect? I had a boyfriend!” 

“That doesn’t mean you didn’t want to kiss me. Don’t try to deny it!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Ethan was a great kisser!”

“Doesn’t mean anything Training Bra! Just admit that you thought about it!”

“Nope!”

“Liar! If you didn’t want to kiss me, then why did you? That day on the beach when we were looking for Petra’s dog? Why then and not before?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to know what it would be like. Part of me thought nothing could be better than kissing Ethan, but the other part was curious because I had nothing to compare it to. Would it feel the same or different?” 

She paused and then looked down, as if she was ashamed to admit it. “You’re right. I did think about it that night in the park and I got scared.” She lifted her eyes to meet his. “What if it was better? What if what I had with Ethan wasn’t as special as I thought? After fighting so hard to be with him, what would have been the point? Of my crush? Liking him in the first place? Battling back and forth over whether he liked me or not! Trying to find the meaning in every word or glance or touch! What if the idea of him was better than the reality? What if he wasn't perfect? What if I wanted something different? Something more? I wanted to stay in my safe little bubble. I didn't want to have to think about the possibility of that.”

His head was spinning. How could one person think of all that in a matter of moments? It didn't make any sense. Well, maybe a little. She had built up the idea of Ethan for so long that it must have been strange to think that there could be anything better. Wasn't that the whole basis of a crush? The ultimate fantasy. Prince Charming and all that came with it. And then to have that image blown apart by someone like him… 

“What was it like? Kissing me?” He had to ask. He needed to know if it had been as amazing for her as it had been for him. 

“Scary, confusing… wonderful. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. Nothing made sense but everything made sense. I wasn't in control but at the same time I was. I felt like I could just fall apart right there. Like my skin was the only thing holding me together. What about you?”

“Well, you know, it was alright.” He smirked, shrugging his shoulders. He was relieved that he got the answer he was looking for but the thought of telling her his side of things made him nervous. 

“You’re being mean again!” She exclaimed, poking him in the ribs.

“Fine! It was the best kiss ever! Happy?” He smirked.

“Still mean! Be serious! I answered your question seriously!” 

She walked away from him. He knew she wasn’t really mad, but she was right. She had told him how she really felt. Why was he so afraid to tell her the truth? They had already told each other so much tonight that this wasn’t going to come as much of a shock. She had to know! How could it not be amazing? She wasn’t like any other girl he had ever been with! She had turned his world upside down! She had been as much of a surprise to him as he had been to her! Someone he never expected… 

She was leaning against a tree as he walked up behind her. She turned as he got closer, crossed her arms and arched her eyebrows. 

“Well?” 

He reached up and placed his hands on her shoulders. He took his time, trying to figure out the best way to say it. It was hard to put his feelings into words because he didn’t fully understand them himself.

“Tara… kissing you was like… I don’t know how to describe it…”

“Use your words,” she teased lightly.

“It was like everything fell into place. Everything made sense. No one else existed. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. I had never experienced anything like it before.”

She inhaled sharply and he could see the disbelief in her eyes. Why couldn’t she see how incredible she was? She had gone on and on about how special he was but she didn’t believe the same about herself.

“It’s true Tara. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Even when I was angry at you, even after we broke up. It has always   
been you. You gave me so much to look forward to and hope for. No one has ever meant as much to me as you do.”

“Not even Kat?” She asked doubtfully.

“No… I thought she did. I thought being with her would solve everything. Of course I care about her, but it’s not the same. It never was. I was so unfair to you, to both of you! I made such a mess of things-”

“Christian stop!” She interrupted, wrapping her arms tightly around him. “We don’t need to keep talking about this! We’ve both made mistakes. Look at me! I knew you didn’t want to see your dad and I should have respected your wishes. I wasn’t thinking about how it would make you feel. You were hurting and instead of being there for you, asking you what you wanted, I decided for you. But what’s done is done. We can’t keep feeling sorry for ourselves or blaming ourselves for what happened in the past. None of it matters now. What matters is how we feel about each other. I love you Christian and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that. Even if it means that you’ll be gone all summer.”

She had said it again. That she loved him. It never got old. He wrapped his arms around her and leaned in and kissed her, welcoming the familiar warmth of her lips on his. He was going to miss her so much! How would he be able to be away from her all summer? Now that he knew she loved him, that she wanted to be with him, leaving her was going to be so hard. He wanted to tell Raf no, that he had other plans, but he knew he needed to spend some time with his dad. Really get to know him, see if there was any possibility of patching things up between them. He was still angry at him, but Tara was right. He deserved a second chance. 

With this thought in his head, he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. She looked up at him and smiled. He had missed seeing her smile this year.

“Come on, let’s get going. You need sleep Training Bra,” he smirked, taking her hand in his and pulling her in the direction of the academy. 

“Oh really? I think you’re just as tired I am Reed!” She shot back playfully.

“Reed? Since when do you call me that?” He narrowed his eyes at her.

“I don't know, since now I guess,” she shrugged, standing her ground.

“You're lucky you're cute Training Bra.”

“Back at you Reed.”

They laughed and joked as they walked slowly back to the dorm hand in hand, swinging their arms freely back and forth. As they got closer to the boarding house, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what could happen tonight. He didn’t want to force anything but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hoping she would ask him to stay with her. It would make tonight even more special than it already was.

He had butterflies in his stomach as they walked through the door and into the common room. Suddenly, Tara stopped short and let out a sharp gasp. He turned to see what had caused her to react so strangely. Or rather who. 

It was Ben. Crap! What was he doing here? Why wasn't he at the theater? How had he gotten here so fast? Their walk must have taken longer than he thought. He could feel the blood rushing to his head, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He didn't know what to do. He tried to move but he couldn’t. He tried to think of something to say but when he opened his mouth, no words came out. So he simply squeezed Tara’s hand tightly – hoping it would reassure her that he was here, that she wasn’t alone. He could only begin to imagine what she must be feeling. He was a wreck as Ben stood up from the chair he was sitting in and walked towards them, an annoyed look on his face.

He stopped in front of them and crossed his arms over his chest. Then he looked Tara right in the eye and drawled sarcastically, “Well well well… fancy seeing you here.”


	8. Christian

He tried to let go of her hand, but when he did, she only gripped his tighter. It reassured him that this was where he was supposed to be. The three of them stood there for what seemed like forever. He looked back and forth between Tara and Ben but Ben was only looking at her. He could see the fire in his eyes. He could see the jealousy and the pain. He felt a pang of guilt but at the same time he was annoyed at him for acting this way. He had to say something!

“Look Ben-” He blurted out, trying to come to her defense, to shield her from the full force of Ben’s anger, but he was cut off quickly.

“Can it Christian! I don’t want to hear it! I need to talk to my girlfriend!” 

Ben’s eyes didn’t leave hers and the sharp tone of his voice made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. He couldn’t help cringing when he called her his girlfriend. Even though he knew how she really felt, it still hurt. He was the reason she was in this mess in the first place. If it hadn’t been for his ego, his selfishness, they wouldn't be in such an awkward situation. If he hadn’t broken up with her, she never would have started dating Ben. He would have been her pas de deux partner and that was it. 

He looked over at Tara. Her whole body was shaking as she met his eyes and he could see how nervous she was.

“It’s okay Christian, it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”

He didn’t want to leave her. He wanted to stand by her side and hash it out with Ben. She didn’t deserve this! He wished Ben would just leave her alone and punch him instead! But that had never been Ben’s style. He was a talker, like Tara was. He was going to do everything he could to plead his case and try to make her see that he was the better choice. That being with him was going to make her happy. That they were good for each other.

Christian knew he wasn’t as good for her as Ben was. But what was he supposed to do? He wasn’t about to just roll over and let Ben win! Not after everything that had happened tonight. He loved her and she loved him and he didn’t want to fight it anymore. 

He squeezed her hand again and held her gaze saying, “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”

She nodded and he heard Ben snort. He looked back at him, trying to put on the bravest face he could, hoping Ben wouldn’t be able to see how scared he really was. Then he let go of her hand, and walked past Ben and up the stairs.   
When he got to the top, he sat down and listened.

“So where were you Tara?” 

He could hear the accusation in Ben’s voice and he bit down hard on his lip. He could picture the hurt look on her face and it made him angry! He wished he hadn't left her alone with him! He wanted nothing more than to go charging back down the stairs, but he knew she wouldn’t want that. He knew she would want to deal with Ben on her own. It took every ounce of strength he had to stay put.

“I was walking back here,” she replied softly.

“With him?” He sneered.

“Yes, what’s wrong with that?” She asked, her voice still soft but steadier than before.

“How about the fact that you just ran out of the theater and I had no idea where you were! You’re my girlfriend and you were with someone else! I know things haven’t been easy since Sammy died but that’s why I performed his dance for you! I gave up a chance to win the Prix for you and I have to find out from Kat that you left with another guy? You don’t think there’s anything wrong with that?” 

“Ben I’m so-”

“Don’t say you’re sorry! Don’t you dare say that! He treated you like crap! He left you all alone and acted like he didn’t care about you at all! I saw Tara! I saw how much he hurt you and now you’re walking with him and holding hands like nothing bad ever happened? Are you really that stupid?”

Okay this was getting out of hand! Why was she letting him say all those horrible things? Why wasn’t she standing up for herself? Come on Tara! He pleaded silently. Say something!

“Ben, I know what he did! Better than anyone! I haven’t forgotten how he treated me or all the things he said! He hurt me so much… but it wasn’t his fault. I knew how he felt about his dad. I knew he didn’t want to see him and I still pursued it. I wouldn’t let it go. I thought I knew what was best for him. I thought that it would solve everything but instead of making things better, I made things worse.”

He winced and put his head in his hands as he tried to process what she had said. He knew how awful he had treated her, how much he had hurt her. He knew that he hadn't been there for her when she broke her back or when she was expelled. But hearing her say it yet again, hearing the pain in her voice, was hard for him to handle. But it wasn't her fault! Why did she keep blaming herself? 

“I am so grateful that you were there for me! You helped me through everything! I will never forget that! You fought for me when no one else did! You mean so much to me-”

“Not enough apparently!” He snapped.

“Ben stop it! Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. You have no idea how much I hate this! I'm sorry that you got caught in the middle. I never meant for any of this to happen! Christian and I… we've had ups and downs the whole time we've known each other. Things haven't always been easy. But the truth is… I never stopped loving him.”

His eyes widened and he inhaled sharply. What? She had still loved him? Even after he broke her heart? Even after all the cruel things he had said and done? He always thought she hated him! That she didn't want anything to do with him! That’s why he had kept his distance, why he hadn’t called her when she got expelled, why he had left her alone when she came back to the academy. He had caused her enough pain and he thought staying away would be easier for her. 

“I tried to stop. I tried so hard because of you! You were so caring and kind and when I was with you, I forgot how much I was hurting. You took such good care of me and made me feel so special! It was just what I needed. Which is why I wanted to be with you.”

Silence again. What was going on? He needed to know. The waiting was unbearable.

“And now?” Ben finally asked, fighting to stay calm.

“Ben, I…” 

His heart was pounding loudly in his chest. He was on the edge of the step he was sitting on, straining to hear what she was going to say. Would she go back to Ben? No! She couldn’t! Not after tonight, after saying they loved each other… 

“I can't. It wouldn't be fair to you! I will always care about you and want the best for you, but I just can't. It's always been Christian. Even when we were fighting, even when we broke up. I know it doesn’t make any sense but we’ve finally been able to get past everything and move on. I know you don’t want to hear all this, but it’s the truth. I don’t want to lie to you because you deserve better.”

Again there was a long pause. This was torture! 

“You’re right, I do... And for your sake, I hope you know what you’re doing Tara because the next time he breaks your heart, you’re on your own! I won’t be there to pick up the pieces!”

“Ben wait…” 

He could hear the guilt in her voice as Ben stormed out of the room. He took a deep breath in as he tried to calm his nerves. Before he could think about what his next move should be, she walked around the corner and stopped at the foot of the stairs. Her cheeks were flushed and her hand trembled as she reached up to hold onto the railing. She didn't look up at him, but stared down at her feet instead.

“So I guess you heard everything?” Her voice cracked a little.

“Yeah… are you okay?”

“No...” Her voice cracked again and he knew she was trying not to cry. “I knew breaking up with him would be hard but I didn’t realize how awful it would make me feel. I hated hurting him like that. He was such a good friend all year and if it wasn’t for him…” 

He stood up quickly and rushed down the stairs. He pulled her into his arms and she fell into him, wrapping her arms around him. He held her tightly as she cried into his shoulder. He ran his fingers through her hair and breathed her in. She always smelled so good. 

“I'm sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“For putting you in that position. For making you have to choose. I wasted so much time being angry at you when I could have been with you. If it wasn’t for me, Ben wouldn’t have been dragged into this. None of this would have ever happened.”

“It’s okay Christian. What Ben and I had… it was never the same as it was with you. I never loved him like I love you. I wanted to because I cared about him so much… but it wasn’t enough. I was so desperate for a way to deal with everything that I took advantage of him. I just didn’t want to be alone.” 

Her sincerity tugged at his heart. He knew exactly how she felt! When Kat came along, he had jumped on board, hoping it would all work out. And he had wanted it to work so badly! He cared about her so much and she was such a fun person to be around! She knew what he was going through. She knew what it felt like to be pushed aside by the people who were supposed to love you and take care of you. She was there for him and didn’t expect him to be something he wasn’t. But like Tara had said, it wasn’t enough.

“And what did I say about feeling sorry for yourself?” She pulled back, wiping the tears off her face. “There's been enough of that. Let's just be happy and forget about everything else.”

He smirked and kissed her forehead. “Whatever you say Training Bra.”

She laughed and he took her hand in his and they walked down the hallway towards her room. The closer they got to her door, the faster his heart raced. He didn’t want this night to end! But what could he do? He couldn’t ask to stay. No matter how much he wanted to, it had to come from her. He didn’t want to assume anything. No matter how amazing tonight had been, he didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on her.

When they got to her room, she stopped and turned to face him. She squeezed his hand and smiled sweetly. “Thank you for tonight. It meant so much to me.”

“Same here.” He smiled back and reached up to hold her face in his hands. Then he leaned in and kissed her. Heat spread through his body as she responded, wrapping her arms low around his waist, pulling him closer. When the kiss ended, his heart sank a little. This was it! He was out of time! He was going to have to say good-night and he didn’t want to. Looking down at her, he could see the desire in her eyes and it made the muscles in his stomach tighten. She didn't want this to end either! Ask me stay! He shouted at her in his head! Just ask me! 

Fighting the urge to kiss her again, he simply looked deep into her eyes, hoping it was enough to sway her. 

“Good-night Tara,” he said gently, then he lowered his hands and started to walk away.

“Christian wait...” Relief flooded through him and he turned to find her walking towards him.

“What is it Tara?” He asked, hoping he was about to hear something he had wanted to hear all night.

She reached out and took his hand in hers. Then she looked right into his eyes, and asked, her voice trembling ever so slightly, 

“Will you stay with me?”


	9. Tara

Say yes! She begged silently in her head. Say yes! She had seen the love in his eyes. She had heard the pleading in his voice. He didn’t want to leave but he was letting her decide how the night would end. She didn’t want him to go! But what would happen if he stayed? She didn’t want to get his hopes up but after breaking up with Ben, she just wasn’t brave enough to be alone. 

After what felt like forever, he stepped closer to her. He smiled and leaned his forehead against hers.

“I was hoping you'd ask me that, Training Bra.”

“Really? I had noooo idea…” She teased and rolled her eyes, relieved that they were on the same page. It just made it even clearer that this was meant to be, that they were meant to be.

“Again, hilarious… you should take your show on the road.”

“Only if you'll come with me.”

“Deal.”

She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. Then she leaned in and kissed him. His lips were warm against hers and she could feel his heart beating against her chest. She loved this. She needed this. More than she even realized. Slowly the hallway began to fade away. It was just the two of them. This was the happiest she had been in a long time and she didn't want it to go away.

When the kiss ended, she leaned her head against his shoulder and breathed in deeply. She loved how he smelled. It never got old. It still gave her goosebumps, still made her go weak at the knees. As long as he was here, everything would be okay. She closed her eyes and savored the moment.

“Did you just smell me Training Bra?”

Her eyes flew open and she froze, heat flooding her cheeks. Caught with her hand in the cookie jar! How embarrassing!

“Well, I was just… that is…”

“It's okay, I don't mind. I know I smell good.” He kissed her forehead as she she let out a loud snort and pulled herself out of his arms.

“Conceited much?” 

“I just meant that I showered today. Don't get all in a huff!” He smirked and she laughed. He always had an answer for everything!

“Oh, okay then.” She yawned. She wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. When they had been walking back, she had tried so hard to stay awake because she didn't want the night to end. She didn't want him to leave. But now that she knew he wasn't going anywhere, sleep seemed like the best idea in the world. 

Suddenly, she was acutely aware of where they were. Outside her room. Her bedroom. Where she slept. Where they were about to sleep. This was it. All that separated them from her bed was her door and the thought sent shivers down her spine.   
He took her face in his hands and gently brushed his thumbs back and forth. His warm touch calmed her as she tried hard to ignore the butterflies in her stomach. After making it this far, the last thing she wanted to do was to faint two feet from her door.

“Tara it's okay, don't be nervous.” How did he know exactly what was going on in her head? It was like he had a direct line to her thoughts. 

“Do you trust me?”

His question set her heart racing yet again. He really meant it. She wasn't going to have to do anything she didn't want to. At least not tonight. But what about the next night? No, she couldn't think about that now! Tonight was all that mattered. And in this moment, here and now, she trusted him. She trusted him more than she trusted herself.

“Of course I do Christian. More than anything. I love you.” 

“I love you too. Do you need a minute? To… uh… change or anything?” 

“That would be perfect actually… as long as you promise to come back.”

“You couldn't keep me away if you tried.”

“Thank you.” She kissed his cheek, then watched as he smiled and walked away. Even though she knew he would be back, it was still hard to see him go. 

When he disappeared up the stairs, she walked into her room and took another deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She turned on the light by her bed and looked around the room. Luckily it wasn't too messy and she was glad she had dragged her mattress back down from Kat and Abigail's room this morning. She went through her drawers looking for something decent to change into. What should she choose? Nothing felt right. After a few minutes, she gave up and just decided to be comfortable, going with her usual blue tank top and yellow pants.

She changed quickly and brushed her teeth. A little fresh breath never hurt anyone. When she was done, she made sure the room was tidy – straightening pillows, fussing with her quilt, putting all her laundry in the closet and shutting the door tightly.   
When she had double and triple checked everything, she had no other choice but to wait. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She sat down on her bed, but jumped up soon after. She clenched her hands together and began pacing. What was taking him so long? Why wasn’t he here yet? The waiting was making her even more nervous than she already was!

As she walked back and forth, she let her mind wander, imagining what it would be like… to have him in her room, to have him so close, his body pressing up against hers, their arms wrapped around each other. How was she supposed to sleep? It was hard enough to turn her brain off when she was alone, but with him here, it would be impossible!

After a few more minutes, she heard a soft knock on the door. Forcing herself to walk slowly, she went to the door and opened it. She smiled sheepishly as he leaned against the door frame and smirked. They stood there in silence and she couldn’t help noticing how good he looked, even in just shorts and a t-shirt. It wasn't fair that he could wear something so plain and still make her feel like a silly little girl with a crush. Except it was more than a crush. It was love. A love she had never felt before and wasn't sure she would ever feel again. 

“Well Training Bra, aren't you going to invite me in?” He finally asked, breaking the silence.

She shrugged her shoulders innocently and moved out of the way to let him in. She watched as he walked in and scanned the room. It was weird having him here after being apart for so long. 

His eyes stopped on Grace’s empty bed. “Don't I at least get a pillow?” He teased.

“I was hoping we could share,” she replied, walking up behind him and taking his hand, bravely leading him over to her side of the room.

“If you insist.” He smirked and placed his free hand on her cheek. Then he kissed her, soft and slow, moving his hand to the back of her neck. Her heart fluttered quickly as she pulled him closer, backing up slowly until she felt her bed against the back of her legs. It threw her slightly off-balance, causing their connection to be broken. Luckily he was holding her tightly enough that she didn't fall over. 

“Sorry,” she muttered and lowered her eyes.

“For what?”

“I don't know – just being clumsy I guess.” She looked up and was surprised to see him smiling. It gave her goosebumps. 

“Don't worry, we have plenty of time to make up for it.” 

“Christian!” She chided gently, heat flooding her cheeks.

“What? A guy can dream can’t he?” 

“You sure know how to make a girl blush!” She exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

“It’s not my fault you’re so easy to tease,” he joked lightly. 

It was true. Usually being teased annoyed her, but when Christian did it, she never seemed to mind. She had pretended it bothered her at first, because she thought it should, but for some reason it didn't. 

“Glad to be of service,” she replied. 

He laughed and pulled her towards him, leaning in to kiss her again. Before their lips met, her nerves got the better of her and she wriggled out of his grasp. She wasn't ready for what was about to happen. As excited as she was, she needed more time.   
She had to find a way had to put it off for just a little bit longer. 

“Where are you going?” He asked as she walked over to the windows. The frustration in his voice made her cringe.

“Just opening the window. It's a bit warm in here don't you think?” Her voice cracked a little.

“I suppose…”

“Then a little fresh air is just what we need!” She chirped nervously, as she slid the window open. Staying where she was, she turned back to him and smiled nervously. 

“Are you okay Training Bra?”

“Yeah fine,” she lied, knowing that he wasn't fooled. He walked over to her and placed his hands gently on her shoulders.

“Tara, what’s wrong?” He asked knowingly.

“Nothing but… how am I supposed to be here with you and not be nervous? How can I relax when just the thought of sleeping next to you is making my head spin!” 

“Hey it’s okay,” he said softly. “All I care about is being with you. Other than that, it doesn’t matter if we sleep or stay up all night talking-”

“You’re right,” she said quickly. “I’m just being silly,” she said apologetically. 

Why was she letting her doubts creep in and mess with her head? Why was she suddenly so anxious? Because he was here in her room and he was staying the night! They had never done this before and she didn’t know what to expect! Of course she trusted him but just knowing that they could whatever they wanted to made it hard for her to stay calm. 

“No worries, I’m used to it."

“That’s lucky,” she sighed. 

“So what do you want to do? Have a pillow fight? Braid each other’s hair? Tell each other our deepest darkest secrets?” He teased, his eyes were wide with fake anticipation. 

“Haha. As tempting as hitting you with a pillow sounds, would it be okay if we just hang out? Today has already been crazy enough.”

“Yeah, it has. We can talk about it if you want… the Prix, Sammy… Ben?” He hesitated before his last suggestion, obviously uncomfortable. She was touched by his understanding. It was a side of him she wasn’t used to seeing. He wasn’t one to talk about the hard stuff, quickly changing the subject before things got too awkward. But the fact that he brought it up made it clear that he had changed. He wasn’t the same person he used to be. Whether it was because of Sammy or his dad or maybe even her, it was refreshing and made her love him even more. 

“Actually, I'd rather not,” she said quietly. She didn't want to talk about any of it. She didn't want to be reminded of all the bad things that had happened. She just wanted to pretend everything was okay, at least for tonight. Maybe she would be ready tomorrow, but for now all she wanted was to be with him. 

“Are you sure? Because we can.”

Again her heart fluttered and she reached up and placed her hand on his cheek. She smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss.

“Thanks but I'm tired of talking. I just want to go to sleep.” 

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” 

He let go of her, then walked closer to her bed. As he went to pull down the covers, he stopped and picked up Sir Joshua, her stuffed bear that she had since she was five. 

“Will he be joining us?” He asked, dangling the bear playfully in front of her. 

“I think we can put him somewhere else tonight,” she said, unable to keep a smile off her face. 

She grabbed the bear out of Christian’s hands and placed it on her dresser. When she turned back around, he was sitting on her bed. This was it. She was all out of excuses. She took a deep breath in and sat down next to him. She slowly looked up at him and when her eyes met his, any nervousness she was feeling vanished. All the worry, all the doubt, all the uncertainty was gone. This was where she wanted to be.

“So… if we're going to get any sleep tonight, we should probably get a little more comfortable. That is, if you still want to stay.” 

“Trust me Tara, I want to stay. Come on.” He smiled as he put his arm around her and before she knew what was happening, he pulled her down quickly. The bed made a loud squeak as they landed and neither of them could hold in their laughter. 

When their giggles subsided, she turned on her side to face him. She reached over and ran her fingers through his hair, then moved her hand down the side of his face, gently caressing his cheek. He was so beautiful. In every way. Not just because of his good looks, but because of who he was. Everything he had been through, all the obstacles he had faced, only added to the reasons why she loved him so much. They were a part of him and no matter how much he hurt her, no matter how many times they had fought and argued over every little thing, she didn't want to change anything about him, not for the world. 

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?” He asked, narrowing his eyes slightly. 

“For being here. I don't know what I would have done with out you. You made tonight so special… I'm so glad I chased after you.”

“Me too. I thought that walking away would be for the best but when I heard you calling my name, I was so glad that I had waited. It made me realize that there were still so many things I needed to know! I needed to know how you really felt about me, why you would want to be with me after how I had treated you, when I had done nothing but break my promise over and over-”

“What promise was that?” She interrupted curiously, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

“To not let anything get between us,” he whispered. “Boy did I screw that one up.”

She could see the guilt on his face and hear the regret in his voice. So much had happened this year! So much that had been out of their control, that they couldn't change even if they wanted to. She had to make him see that she didn't care about any of that! That she wasn't angry anymore. 

“Christian none of that matters anymore. If it did, we wouldn't be here! You'd still be with Kat and I'd be with Ben… everything happens for a reason!” 

He smiled and placed his hand over hers. Then he leaned in and kissed her. She could feel the urgency behind his kiss, the way his mouth moved against hers, like he was trying to make up for all the time that they had been apart. It was different than all the other kisses they had shared. Deeper, more intense. Heat spread through her body and her heart beat loudly in her chest. 

As the kiss deepened, he moved his hand to the back of her head, tugging gently on her hair. She shivered as he slowly trailed his fingers down her back, wrapping his arm low around her waist and holding her tightly. She had never felt anything like this before. Until now, dancing was as close as she had ever come to flying but this was better. 

Could she do this? Was she really ready? She hadn't been before but now that they were here in her room, she didn't want to stop. She loved him and she wanted to show him how much. With trembling fingers, her hand trailed down his stomach, stopping when she got to his shorts. As she tugged playfully at the elastic, she felt his whole body suddenly stiffen.

“Tara wait…” He pulled back quickly and when she looked up at him, his eyes were closed and he had a pained look on his face.

“What is it Christian?” 

The uncertainty in his voice scared her. Had she done something wrong? Had he changed his mind about wanting to be with her? No! He couldn't! He loved her! She loved him! No one else mattered! She didn't want to be with anyone else! She reached up and put her hand back on his cheek. 

“Christian, what's wrong? Tell me please.” He took a deep breath in and opened his eyes. She saw the desire behind them but she also saw the regret. This wasn't good. No! Don’t do this! Don't say it! Kiss me again! Stay with me! She begged in her head. He ran his fingers through her hair and she brushed her thumb back and forth across his cheek.

When she couldn't take the silence anymore, she leaned in to kiss him but he stopped her. Then he shook his head ever so slightly and said, “I'm sorry Tara, I can't do this.”


	10. Christian

When he felt her fingers reach his shorts, he froze. What was she doing? This wasn’t supposed to happen! She was the one who said they weren’t ready! And she was right. Not that he wanted to stop but he knew they had to. Even though he had been with a couple of girls before, it was just something to do. Something everyone was doing. But he didn't want that for her. She deserved better. She deserved more.

Her green eyes bore into his. It was like he had flipped a switch and all their light had suddenly vanished. All that remained was darkness. He let go of her and sat up quickly, hoping it would somehow ease the guilt he was feeling. After telling her he loved her, that he wanted nothing more than to be with her, he was going to ruin everything. 

After a moment, he heard her sit up too. When he felt her hand on his shoulder, he stood up and walked over to the open window. The cool night air helped clear his head a little but not enough. He fought back the tears that threatened to break free. He wasn't going to cry in front of her. No matter how many times she had cried tonight, there was no way he was going to let her see him like this. He had already cried enough. At Sammy's memorial, during Tara's performance… not to mention after Sammy's parents had come to pick up all his stuff. Sitting on his bed in their empty room, he had given in. He had let go, his sobs coming loud and fast. But not again. Not even for her. 

He swallowed back the lump in his throat. He knew he should go back to her. This wasn't her fault. It was his. He had confused her, made her think that they could really do this. He had thought so too. That he could be that person… the one who was strong and brave and thought about others before himself. But that wasn't who he was. He was selfish and insecure. He was the person who ended up hurting the ones he loved the most. 

“Christian are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”  
Her question sent another jolt of guilt through him. Why did she still think she was the problem? That she was somehow to blame? Why was it so hard for her to see how perfect she was? 

“No, you didn't,” he said through gritted teeth. He didn't trust himself to look at her so he continued to stare out the window. 

“Then what is it? Why did you stop?” 

“Because it's not right.”

“What do you mean? Don't you love me?”

Her words hit him hard in his chest and he couldn't fight it anymore. He turned towards her. She was sitting up with one leg hanging over the side of her bed and the other folded under her, her eyes wide with worry.

“Of course I do!” He blurted out stupidly.

“Then what's going on? I don't understand…”

What could he say? The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Again. He wanted nothing more than to be with her, to pick up where they had left off a few moments ago. But he couldn't.

“I can't do this,” he repeated.

“Why not?” She asked, her voice strained and low.

“Because I can't!” He shouted. He could feel his temper rising. Why couldn't she just let it go? Why was she making this so difficult? 

“That's not good enough Christian!” She stood up and walked over to him. He started walking towards the door but she grabbed his arm and held it tightly. 

“Tara, let go!”

“No! Not until you tell me why you're acting like this!”

“I don't have to explain myself to you Tara! I have my reasons!” He wrenched himself out of her grasp. He hated yelling at her. He wished he could talk to her but he knew where that would lead. She would tell him it was going to be okay, that they would get through it together. He didn’t deserve to hear that. 

“Well they can't be very good ones!” She shot back loudly.

“Please don't act like you know me Tara! You have no idea how hard this year has been for me!” He regretted his words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He knew this year had been much harder for her, that she had suffered way more than he had. Between Saskia’s abuse, his cruelty, Grace’s crazy behavior and Sammy’s accident, it was a miracle she somehow managed to survive.

“Hard for you?” The edge in her voice was palpable.

“I didn't mean it like that-”

“So you were picked on all year? You were told over and over that you were never going to be good enough? You had your back broken by the one person you admired the most? You think you’re the one only who loved Sammy? That you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to lose your best friend? That’s so unfair Christian! How can you even say that?”

The tears in her eyes made it hard not to pull her into his arms. 

“And of course I know you! Whenever things get hard, whenever there’s something you don’t want to deal with, you shut down! You use your past as an excuse to avoid anything that makes you uncomfortable! I thought you had changed! I thought tonight had given you some reason to believe that you deserve to be happy but I guess I was wrong!”

She was right as usual. No matter how hard he tried to hide his true feelings, it didn’t work. She wasn’t fooled at all. Why did she have to be so perceptive? Why couldn’t she just let him be? 

“Tara don’t-”

“No Christian, you don’t! We’re finally together! We’ve worked everything out! The past couple of hours have been so wonderful… I don’t know why you’re trying so hard to ruin it but you need to stop!”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” He asked.

“Stay!” She shouted obviously. “I know that things haven’t always been easy for us but don’t walk away. I love you and I want to be with you and if you feel the same way then stay!”

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to forget everything that had happened tonight. He loved her more than he had ever loved anyone else but was it enough? 

She placed her hand on his cheek and then she leaned in against him, resting her head against his chest. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in. Her scent overwhelmed him and just like that, his anger vanished. All the hurt, all the worry, all the pent up frustration about what would happen to them was gone.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He kissed her forehead and pulled her closer, again fighting back tears.

“I know,” she replied softly. “I hate fighting with you. Why do you have to make things so difficult?”

“Me?”

“Yes you! Everything was fine! Why did you stop?” 

He could hear the nervousness in her voice, like she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer. He wasn't sure he wanted to tell her but he knew he had to. He had walked away so many times before and he didn't want to keep making the same mistakes.

“Tara… no one has ever meant as much to me as you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I've… been with girls before and it didn't mean anything! You deserve so much better than that. Please don't hate me.”

“Christian, I could never hate you! When are you going to get that through your head?” She protested, pulling back and looking straight into his eyes. “And I'm sorry if I got carried away before… I just wanted tonight to be special.”

“It is special Tara… just getting to be with you is special. You don't have to try so hard to impress me!”

“And you don't have to try so hard to make up for all your mistakes!” She retorted quickly. “Whatever happened this year is over. You have to let it go and think about more important things!”

“Oh yeah, like what?” He smirked, hoping it was safe to tease her a little.

“I don’t know… how about all the things we’re going to do before you leave!” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Such as?”

“Why is it up to me to decide?” 

“Tara I've done everything a kid can do in this city. What’s something you want to do?”

Her cheeks reddened suddenly and she dropped her gaze. 

“What is it?”

“Nothing…”

“Doesn't seem like nothing,” he pressed further.

“It's just… you'll think it's stupid-”

“Try me.”

“You have to promise not to laugh!”

“I promise Tara just tell me already!”

“Luna Park?” She asked apologetically.

He laughed before he could stop himself. The annoyed look on her face only made it worse. Out of all the things he thought might come out of her mouth, that was not one of them! How has she lived here for two years and never been there?

“I'm glad you find me amusing!”

“I'm sorry, it's just…” He burst into another fit.

“Just forget it-”

“No I'm sorry! Really… I'm stopping!” He leaned over and put his hands on his knees and took a couple of deep breaths in, trying to get his laughter under control. 

“So… Luna Park?” He asked as evenly as he could.

“You promised you weren't going to laugh!”

“I know but come on Tara! You've gotta admit it's pretty funny!”

“Why? Why is it so funny?” 

“Because everyone’s been there!” 

“Well I haven't!” 

“Apparently not,” he choked.

“Ugh! You think you're so smart!” She exclaimed, rolling her eyes again and walking back over to her bed. She sat down and put her hands in her lap. He walked over and sat down next to her. 

“I'm sorry Tara, please don't be mad at me,” he pleaded.

“Oh so you can be mad at me but I can't be mad at you?” She shot back angrily.

“I wasn't mad at you I was mad at myself!”

The words came out before he could stop them. Once again his temper had gotten the better of him and the one thing he had been trying so hard to keep from her had somehow found its way to the surface. Why was she so good at getting under his skin? What was it about her that made it hard to keep his mouth shut? He didn't want her to know how much he hated himself, how much he blamed himself for everything. He didn't want her pity. 

“What for?”

“I really don't want to talk about this Tara.”

“Well you have to! You have to tell me what's wrong so we can fix it.” 

“Fix me you mean?” He snapped before he could stop himself. 

“That's not what I meant! I just want you to be happy! That's all I have ever wanted!” 

He could see the truth in her eyes. Even though she had said those words in the past, for some reason it never seemed to fully sink in. Happiness had never been something he envisioned for himself. It was always surviving, getting through, fighting to somehow find shelter from the storm. An uphill battle that left you with nothing but emptiness. 

“Tara… I'm not like you, I don't have my entire life figured out!”

“I don't expect you to Christian! How many times do I have to tell you? I don't love you because you've got it all figured out! I love you because you're you! Because you make me happy! Because when I'm with you… I know where I belong.”

She took his hand and intertwined her fingers in his. Her hand was warm and soft and he relished how perfectly they fit. Like two puzzles pieces. Meant to be. There had to be a reason why they were here. It couldn't just be a coincidence that, even after such a crazy year, they had found a way back to each other. Everything happened for a reason. He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

“Tara… I'm scared. I don't want to hurt you again,” he confessed.

“It’ll be okay Christian, we'll get through it together-”

“You don't know that!” He exclaimed, pulling away. 

“Yes I do because I've made up my mind… nothing's getting in between us… deal?” 

She smiled cleverly as she reached out her hand just like he had done at the end of their summer together on the farm. Waves of excitement rushed through him and the hope he thought was gone flooded back. They were going to be okay. No matter what, they would be there for each other. It wouldn't be easy, but it was worth it. She was worth it.

Hit with the full force of his realization, he smirked, took her hand in his and simply replied, “Deal.”


End file.
